A fear(ful)less moral inventory

How Fearless?  Publicly?  Really?  How bold will I go?

I wrote this page because while I believe that I need to write this, I don’t think anyone will read it.  This will be the post that is about shame and regrets that I can recognize, and move on from.  This is the list that has made me fear myself.

Let the healing begin from the beginning:

Drugs – I did them.  Too many of them.  Starting at 14, I didn’t just experiment with them, I enjoyed them and they robbed me of my future.  They blinded me from my path.  Did I have fun when I was doing them?  Sure.  Absolutely.  But they STOLE my ambition.  They stole my ability to want more out of my life.  As a 44-year-old man looking backwards, I chose to live for the THEN (NOW at the time) rather than the future…rather than the rest of my life.  Rather than for myself, my wife, my kids, my family…Of course I wish I had never done any of the acid or smoked any of the pot or taken any of the mushrooms.  Not a bit of it am I comfortable looking backwards and saying..yeah but…

I am not a better man because I experienced them.  In fact, I contributed to the breakup of my friendships with Hal, Johnny, Alan and Mark because of the drugs.  I am sure that I screwed up girls in college because of them and I certainly wasn’t thinking when I got into a relationship with Kendall Raley when I was doing them.  They clouded my mind and my dreams.  I certainly can’t change the past but they screwed me up so badly at the time because using them reinforced a way of thinking that became a pattern in my life over the years from ages 16-35.  Almost 20 years.

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